Rifftrax.com

An article posted at Rifftrax.com

Go on, be one! All you need is a little clown training, and then you can enter the wonderful world of clowndom.

“And where does one get this clown training!?” I hear many (most?) of you asking eagerly, ready to sign up. Well, one such place is the California Clown School, located in…. Reno, Nevada! (Those clowns!)

From their curriculum, here's a sample day:

Monday:
The Rose
Philosophies and attitudes of clown work
Your Clown Character
Costuming
Develop your clown face
Face Painting
Your self
Others

Health and Safety Hazards
Yours
The Children's


Right off the bat, I'd say that one of the “Safety Hazards” for the Children is: being terrified into a a lifelong vegetative state.

…And THAT is why I knew — back when I was a younger man, who played in a punk garage band — that we must push back on this clowny-clown-clown madness. I haven’t thought of the following song for many years, dismissing it in retrospect as a 19 year old kid’s grim, nihilistic indulgence. But now I see that I was wiser than my years. This was was about survival, friends.

(Alas, I only remember the first verse and a half or so, and after that it’s all a bong-y haze:)
DECOMPOSING CLOWNS  by (the young, sullen, and obnoxious, but full-head-of-dark-hair-possessing) Bill Corbett

Something happened under the Big Top
The lights are out, the colors down
Jolly white faces smiling forever
Oh, what an ugly death for a clown.

Red rubber noses, covered in maggots
Big floppy shoes, in dried blood and dust…

…And then it kinda went on like that. A nasty little Sex Pistols-wannabe song, yes… but if you watch that video above again, you’ll see what we’re up against, and why a young man felt the need to lash out.

Anyway..

Be a clown!

(To be fair to the California Clown School, they’ve specifically addressed the issue of Scary Clowndown. To her great credit, the CCS’s main teacher, Hanna Banana, recognizes the danger of Clowns Who Terrify, and she has released a manifesto on the matter. It’s long, so I’m putting it after the break:
“The State of Clowning in America:


Hanna Banana:

She has a new approach to clowning. She is at the forefront of a revolution in clowning in America. She is not a scary clown but is a new kind of clown. A Modern clown with a soft gentle approach that promotes peace, understanding and unity among all age groups and all cultural and ethic groups. She is a Nanny Clown and her entertainment is soothing to children and entertaining to adults.

Circus Clowns:

The following paragraph was taken from a program for RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY CIRCUS. “Irvin Feld, President and Producer of The Greatest Show On Earth, had just acquired this gigantic circus and found it woefully lacking in clown talent. At that time, in 1967, there were thirteen clowns under contract to RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM & BAILEY CIRCUS. Their ages ranged from fifty to almost eighty. Most of them could barely make it once around the hippodrome track. The mot juste at the time was: we know they can fall down, but can they get up again? There was no question that clowning in America definitely was going downhill, surely staggering to an untimely end.”

Party Clowns:

The status of party clowning is also going downhill in America. More and more children and adults are scared of clowns. The fear of clowns, known as coulorophobia, can cause panic attacks, shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea and feelings of dread. It is one of the 10 most searched-for phobias on Yahoo! search engine. Psychologists who have addressed coulorophobia say it usually develops out of some traumatic incident in childhood associated with a clown. Several movies have also contributed to making clowns scary most notably Stephen King’s “It”. Tom Eldridge, secretary of Clowns International, said their make-up had been tined down in recent years.

Not only is that a problem but the traditional clown acts and antics no longer entertain children or provide the services adults want for their children. Hanna Banana has started a revolution as a new kind of clown with her Hands on Workshops and her soft gentle approach. She is not the traditional whiteface clown but a modern clown that has changed her costume and her face to portray a Jester Payaso clown. Children flock around her and accept her readily even those who fear clowns. Adults and older children, who view clowns as for babies, are very accepting of her as a modern clown.”

Good for you, Ms. Banana. As the dad of two very young kids, I’d rather they enjoy clowns than have nightmares about them.

(P.S. But Ms. Banana may be fighting a losing battle… Google “clown” images and see for yourself what comes up.)